StylisM

I feel trapped sometimes caught up on hopes and dreams. Wishing upon a star feels so mundane but nothing I do is ordinary it seems. Is life about the greatest passion or are blessings scarce and passed out like rations? I ask myself why do I see the world so DARK? What is the meaning of the journey that I must embark? I AM CONTROLLED BY FEAR, and it consumes every part of me. The more I try to fight the weaker I get, sometimes my words slip and I say “I’m sick of this shit!” It’s a constant BATTLE WITHIN and I never know which side will win. So much pain and anguish has caused me to lose so much, love, life, family and friends. Then I’m back at square one where it all began. It always ends the same just when I think things in my life are starting to become. Instantly I’m left with no one. I ask am I destined to be alone. No answer. Is my LONLINESS my only home?

I’m trapped by these four walls crushed in between no where to move not enough space to breath. I’m accompanied by my blank stare that’s left me in a hole without a moment to spare. I’m drowned by a fantasy that I thought was real but I never really was for me it was only a dream but I once thought dreams came true at least that’s what it seemed. So once again I’m back in this place feeling lost, embarrassed, hurt and disgraced. How did I end up here again, the flaws of heart trying fight to win? I’m now realizing what I want is insane love, passion and desire only ends with pain. So I will lay the rest my warm heart and replace it with the cold, a heart that doesn’t feel or give up control. My mind is preparing battle and I think almost set, to erase all the pain that I’m trying to forget. No more hopes and dreams just cold reality that’s my new theme. I guess once again, my thoughts are confirmed. LIFE IS PAIN end of chapter, ANOTHER LESSON LEARNED!

I can say that as a man admitting that I have fear was hard not only verbally but in my mind. I avoided it so much I truly believed I wasn’t afraid. Afraid of what? Life! Life itself had me terrified. Not to the point that I didn’t want to go outside and face the world. However in my mind facing the world was a tough battle. I battled with myself for years and still today there is some conflict. So why was I afraid of life? I guess it was the fear of failure. Maybe it was the fear of not being good enough. Or the fear of how I was seen. I tried to not think about things so deeply and just go with the flow but something inside of me never let my mind settle. I know some may think I shouldn’t worry. I wish my mind worked that way. Well the next question would be, how did fear control my life. Well the start I wouldn’t take chances and not taking chances made me miss out on a lot of opportunities. I know now when I look back I see the choices I made to not do something was out fear. The choices I made weren’t always in the best interest of my life. I now take more chances and live with less fear. I can’t say my fear is totally gone but I have learned over the years how to suppress it. This allowed me to explore more and find greater rewards in finance, love, happiness, and just life in general. I once was controlled by fear of the unknown now the only fear I have is the known.

My life has been up and down like most. I know it was never the end of the world when things were bad but why did I suffer so much pain from so little. Was I weak was I oversensitive? I still have yet to figure it out. I use to think MAYBE I AM NOBODY. Not in the sense of everyday life but in the sense of someone who is special to this world. I never really had truly bad times in my life that others would see as tragic but in my mind my falls were like being pushed from an airplane without a parachute. I think after things in my life started going wrong, and the climb up didn’t result in enlightenment to my life. I began to think what I thought all those years when I was younger, was just an escape from myself, the escape from being nobody. I had a desire to be SOMETHING GREAT, but I was nothing more than an average person with over zealous dreams. Why would a nobody dream so big so passionately, if those dreams would never come true? How could I have gained this mindset and desire to be something great but not possess any greatness within? I questioned my self over and over again throughout my life. While still holding on to one piece of my dream to be SOMETHING.

I sit in my room in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop. No sound just the hum of laptops fan. I stare blankly at the screen in hopes of some sort of inspiration or idea to magically appear. I close my eyes in the attempt to gain more clarity. However my mind wanders and I find myself staring at the screen blankly again. I think back on my life and wonder how did I get to this place. Is this my destiny or am I destined for greater things. I remember growing up thinking my life would be significant to this world, a young boys dream to be something more than he is. I remember setting dates of when I would encounter some life changing events that would guide my life to its prospective place. Those days came and passed… No change no life changing event. However I still hold the thought of my destiny close to me. As I got older I continued to struggle with my life’s purpose and who I am. The thoughts plagued me. In my early adult years I kind of grew from the thoughts and went on with life. I did like every young person does find their way through the forest called life in search for salvation. Today I find myself back to the mind set of when I was kid. I’m hoping for my life to be SOMETHING GREAT.