StylisM

I can say that as a man admitting that I have fear was hard not only verbally but in my mind. I avoided it so much I truly believed I wasn’t afraid. Afraid of what? Life! Life itself had me terrified. Not to the point that I didn’t want to go outside and face the world. However in my mind facing the world was a tough battle. I battled with myself for years and still today there is some conflict. So why was I afraid of life? I guess it was the fear of failure. Maybe it was the fear of not being good enough. Or the fear of how I was seen. I tried to not think about things so deeply and just go with the flow but something inside of me never let my mind settle. I know some may think I shouldn’t worry. I wish my mind worked that way. Well the next question would be, how did fear control my life. Well the start I wouldn’t take chances and not taking chances made me miss out on a lot of opportunities. I know now when I look back I see the choices I made to not do something was out fear. The choices I made weren’t always in the best interest of my life. I now take more chances and live with less fear. I can’t say my fear is totally gone but I have learned over the years how to suppress it. This allowed me to explore more and find greater rewards in finance, love, happiness, and just life in general. I once was controlled by fear of the unknown now the only fear I have is the known.

My life has been up and down like most. I know it was never the end of the world when things were bad but why did I suffer so much pain from so little. Was I weak was I oversensitive? I still have yet to figure it out. I use to think MAYBE I AM NOBODY. Not in the sense of everyday life but in the sense of someone who is special to this world. I never really had truly bad times in my life that others would see as tragic but in my mind my falls were like being pushed from an airplane without a parachute. I think after things in my life started going wrong, and the climb up didn’t result in enlightenment to my life. I began to think what I thought all those years when I was younger, was just an escape from myself, the escape from being nobody. I had a desire to be SOMETHING GREAT, but I was nothing more than an average person with over zealous dreams. Why would a nobody dream so big so passionately, if those dreams would never come true? How could I have gained this mindset and desire to be something great but not possess any greatness within? I questioned my self over and over again throughout my life. While still holding on to one piece of my dream to be SOMETHING.

I sit in my room in the dark with only the illumination of my laptop. No sound just the hum of laptops fan. I stare blankly at the screen in hopes of some sort of inspiration or idea to magically appear. I close my eyes in the attempt to gain more clarity. However my mind wanders and I find myself staring at the screen blankly again. I think back on my life and wonder how did I get to this place. Is this my destiny or am I destined for greater things. I remember growing up thinking my life would be significant to this world, a young boys dream to be something more than he is. I remember setting dates of when I would encounter some life changing events that would guide my life to its prospective place. Those days came and passed… No change no life changing event. However I still hold the thought of my destiny close to me. As I got older I continued to struggle with my life’s purpose and who I am. The thoughts plagued me. In my early adult years I kind of grew from the thoughts and went on with life. I did like every young person does find their way through the forest called life in search for salvation. Today I find myself back to the mind set of when I was kid. I’m hoping for my life to be SOMETHING GREAT.